By Dr. Lauren Cook
Becoming a parent—and meeting other parents—can feel like being back at your freshman year of college. Everyone is new and trying to figure things out together. Suddenly all thrown in, it can be a lot as you try to make small talk, feed your baby, and put food in your mouth—all the same time.
Now that’s hard enough when things are going fairly smoothly.
But what if you struggle with social anxiety? Which according to the Depression and Anxiety Association of America, about 15 million Americans, or about 7.1% of the population, does.
So let’s get into what social anxiety looks like and what you can do about it as you venture into the parenthood journey.
Do I Have Social Anxiety?
First things first: social anxiety is often both physical and cognitive. People can feel very nervous about how they are perceived physically. They can worry someone can see them sweating, that they may have food in their teeth, or that people can hear their voice tremble. This can be exacerbated during pregnancy and postpartum when our bodies are changing so much.
With social anxiety though, we can also worry about what others may be thinking about us. Someone can stress about if they sound smart enough, funny enough, or if they’re engaging enough. In short, they’re worried that others are constantly judging them and that they’re not measuring up. This especially gets heightened meeting new parents who are in the trenches with you.
“Am I doing this right? They make it look so much easier than how it feels for me.”
“Are they judging me that I’m not holding my baby the right way? Or that I didn’t sanitize my hands enough?”
“They must think I’m so bad at this…”
Sound familiar?
The challenge with social anxiety is that it brings you so loudly into your head that you practically cannot hear yourself think. So while you want to engage in the conversation with another person, you’re also having a conversation with yourself about if you’re saying the right thing, looking appropriate, and so on. It’s exhausting.
Thus, sometimes others can perceive someone as seeming disengaged, shy, or even rude when really, the socially awkward person is just battling within themselves to get through the conversation.
And this is before you have a baby in the mix.
Once a baby is on the scene, holding an adult conversation while trying to keep a baby from toppling over is like patting your head and rubbing your tummy…and hopping on one leg—all at the same time.
So what can you do if you feel socially anxious meeting new parents?
I love a tool called “Listen and Link.” Listen for buzz words that the other person is saying and try to take something of what they’ve shared to link to something you know about. For example, if someone shares about a place they’ve recently traveled to, like Huntington Gardens, find a way to connect back to that place with your own story or a question you have that relates to that place. This keeps the conversation focused on the topic, rather than keeping you stuck in your own head.
Also, bring the Who, What, Where, and Why into any conversation. You can take any topic and turn it into an elaborate conversation when you pull out these four. Let’s say someone shares they are going on a lake trip. Who are they going with? For what occasion? Where is that? Why are they excited for it? How will they navigate having baby with them or not bringing their baby?
Another: know your back-pocket topics. We all have things we love to talk about and others do as well. Whether it’s movies, vacations, summer plans, restaurants, places to explore in town–there can always be something to bond over. Know where you have some expertise (for example, do you know the best sushi restaurant in town?) and get excited about sharing it with others. People will delight in your recommendation and this can lead to a fun give and take in a conversation.
And lastly, embrace silence. You don’t always have to make small talk. And let’s be honest, just starting at the cuteness of the babies is bonding in itself. Relationships can grow organically with time together, and not just talking together.
The Key is to Get Yourself Out There.
As a psychologist, I’m a major behaviorist. Why? Because the brain is cruel. The brain will tell us all day that we suck, that no one likes us, and that it never gets any better. But if we challenge ourselves behaviorally and invite ourselves to show up socially, we’re giving ourselves irrefutable data that we are in fact capable of the things that the brain told us we couldn’t do. So the more we can show up into spaces, including at Village Birth, the more we start to see that we can do the things we fear…including making friends with other new parents.
Seek Professional Help:
A therapist can teach tools to self-regulate, process events, and show up for ourselves. Heartship Counseling offers in-person sessions in the Village Birth office in Pasadena. If you are experiencing anxiety, relationship challenges, birth trauma, or grief, Dr. Lauren and Dr. Carissa can help develop a path forward.
